.: Reflection :.

So today is Oliver's 3 month Heavenly birthday. Yesterday, I was reflecting on how things have changed over the last three months. Sit back, relax (with a box of tissues)...this is gonna be a long one.

On March 29, I was feeling Junebug move and hiccup inside my belly, talking to Junebug, praying for God to grant us a miracle, and preparing to meet our Junebug. But nothing could prepare us for what we were about to experience. The morning of March 30th was the most bittersweet day for us (and our family and friends). Rob and I went into the hospital at 5:45 a.m. and I checked in at 6 a.m. The nurses prepped me for surgery. Starting IV's. Taking medical history. Listening to Junebug's heartbeat. My parents and Rob's parents arrived at the hospital around 7 and came back to triage to see me. Joni, the bereavement nurse, came in to check on me. Around 7:30, my OB (Dr. L) came back to see me. She came in, sat down on my bed, and gave me a huge hug! She was choking back tears while trying to keep me calm. This was going to be as difficult for her as it was for us. While she went to change into her scrubs, the anesthesiologist (Julie) explained to me what was going to happen when she gave me the spinal block. By 7:45, I had given Rob the last hug and kiss before surgery. I was now being escorted to the OR by Dr. L, Joni, Julie, and the triage nurse.

When I walked in the OR, it was the scariest thing I have ever seen. There were bright lights, loud noises, people walking around covered head to toe in blue cloth...it was so strange. I was terrified! And my rock, my husband, was not allowed in there yet. (I have never had surgery before, so this was not a great time to see the OR for the first time.) I was a mess. Just melting. Right there in the OR. A hysterical sobbing pregnant woman. I had to sit on the edge of the table while Julie placed the spinal block. Dr. L hugged me. Held me. Rubbed my upper back. Calming me. Whispered encouragements. To be honest, since I couldn't have Rob (or my mom and dad), then Dr. L was the next best thing. After Julie was finished with her job, the nurses finished prepping me for surgery and Rob was allowed to come in. Dr. L made sure that the sheet was low enough that I would be able to see Junebug when she took him out. (We were told that it was noted from the MRIs that he had a short umbilical cord.) Rob sat by my head, holding my hand and stroking my hair. Around 8:00, Greg (our good friend and a pastor) came in the OR. At 8:03, Dr. L started the c-section. We were going to meet our little baby. We were excited, yet nervous. Happy, yet sad. Hopeful, yet realistic. At 8:10, Dr. L held up our baby. Rob got to call out the gender--"It's a...BOY? It's a BOY!" I just cried at the sight of him. I made sure to say "Momma was right! Momma was right! I knew it was boy!" Then we had to decide a name while the nurses were cleaning him up. "Rhys Matthew?" Rob asked. In a whiny-kinda way, I replied "No...his name is Oliver!" By 8:11, I was holding my son! :) It was the best feeling in the world. He is precious! He is perfect! We did give him oxygen via a bypass tube...but we chose not to do anything heroic. We allowed God to move in the way He had planned. Greg baptized Oliver with Holy water in a sea shell. This was very important for Rob and I.

At 8:45, we were in my room. And as far as details in there...you are going to have to wait. The story will be continued later.

Well, this isn't exactly how I planned for this post to go. I was just going to talk about how our lives have  changed since March 30. What progress we have made. What struggles we still have. But I guess God or Ollie wanted Momma to tell the details of that day. :)

As I was reflecting today, I read the green journal for Oliver Junebug that people have written in. Telling him how God has used him to change their life. Or for people to tell us how God used us to help them.  Encourage them. Change them. Today, when I was feeling sad, it helped to know that God has used (and continues to use) our sweet little miracle baby to touch and change people. I'm not going to say that it makes it okay to be on this Earth without our baby, but knowing the impact of God's will for our little guy has helped us on the toughest of days. If you didn't get a chance to write a note to Oliver or us and want to, just add a comment to this post. I plan on printing them out and pasting them in the green journal. (Or if you want to write another for those of you who already have... that's fine too!)

We appreciate everyone's continued thoughts, prayers, calls, texts, FB messages, and emails. The "fog" is starting to lift...and we are starting to really function. We are still going to need your prayers and support in coming months and years. But it will get easier... but never easy.

Happy Heavenly birthday, baby! We love you so much!!

We took this picture in Myrtle Beach this past weekend.

Letter to Daddy

I have been thinking about Oliver a lot (as you would expect)...but we have had some milestones in the past week that made us think and talk to him even more than we do on a daily basis. 


The first milestone was Daddy's Day--Rob's first Father's day and he can't hold his baby boy. We anticipated it to be a very sad day...but it was pretty good. :) We slept in, went to my parent's for lunch and to hang out, and went on a bike ride with my dad (which was pretty fun and funny). Throughout the day and weekend, I asked Oliver (in my head) what he wants to say to his daddy...and this is what he said:

Dear Daddy,

Happy Daddy's Day to the bestest daddy in the whole wide world!! I can't tell you how much I wish I could physically be with you on Earth, but I am with you always. I watch you and listen to you. I hug you and kiss you--like you kissed and hugged me on the day I was born. I loved that...just as much as you did! I love that you were confused when you saw I was a boy--Momma kept trying to tell you that she was right. I love that you wanted to show me outside and what cars look like, so you took me to the window. Even though I didn't have my eyes open and didn't see then, I see it now. There are some pretty cool cars on Earth, huh?! I especially love that green VW Beetle you and Momma got and named after me--Junebug. That's one cool car, Daddy! And I love that Papaw, Mimi, Uncle Tony, Aunt Rett, and Abby, Laney and Hayleigh want to play with it and fix it up too! I am with you then too! 

Daddy, you are an amazing man! You are so faithful, strong, loving, smart, handsome, funny, and Godly.  Thanks for being so strong for me and helping Momma fight for me! You never gave up on me or God's plan. (And trust me, He knows what He's doing...) Thanks for being so loving to me and Momma...taking care of  all our needs and wants. You are super smart. You know how to do computer stuff and lots of car stuff. You are one handsome daddy...I brag about you here in Heaven, just like I do about Momma too. Jesus just laughs and rolls his eyes...he thinks I'm silly! And Daddy, you are such a Godly man. I love that you aren't afraid to tell people about what God is doing in your life. I will see you again someday (God won't tell me when though...). 

Stay strong, Daddy! Remember, God has a big plan...and you and Momma are part of it! I miss you and love you a lot, Daddy! 

Your Precious Baby, 

Oliver Matthew Junebug

P.S. I love that awesome HotWheel truck you gave me! That was very special and I'm glad I got to own a HotWheel! :)

Another milestone was Oliver's due date day--June 20. This was a hard day for us...I was suppose to be pregnant still, unless Junebug decided otherwise. It was going to be the day that we met our baby. And a couple days later, take him home. But, God had a different plan...as you all know. We kept ourselves busy and went to Cincinnati. We went to some outlet malls, Ikea, and ate at the resturant that we ate at almost 12 weeks ago for our final, last-chance-to-help-Junebug appointment. Overall, it turned out to be an okay day...and we felt Oliver with us--comforting Momma and Daddy on the difficult day. 

And then today is, of course, Oliver Day! :) Today, it's been 12 weeks since we said hello and see ya later to Oliver. 12 weeks?! Where has time gone? We miss our baby a lot still...and always will. We still have our good days and bad days...more good than bad lately. But there are definitely days that we just cry and cry...and relive the whole situation. We are healing...but it's a slow process. We will always have an Oliver-sized hole in our hearts that can never be filled. But on a happier note, it's Happy Oliver Day! :) Hope everyone has a great Ollie Day...you know he would want you to! He is smiling down on you and loving on you too! 

Daddy driving the Junebug

Letter to Oliver

Sweet Angel Baby Oliver,

It's been over 2 months since you went to Heaven...and Daddy and I miss you more than ever!! We miss your cute little face, your tiny nose, your itty bitty fingers and toes...we miss everything about you!

We drive by the parks and see lots of little boys playing on the swings and slides with their moms and dads...knowing we will not get to play with you. We see them running and playing tag...knowing we won't get to chase you around. We see families riding bicycles on the bike paths with children in tow (either on bikes or in trailers)...knowing we won't take you on a bike ride. We go shopping and see all of the cute, little outfits for boys...knowing we won't get to see you wear them. There are so many things (even little things) that we won't get to experience with you that people take for granted.

Ollie, we know that you are in Heaven...we know you are in the best place with the best babysitter, Jesus...and we know that you have lots of people to play with, like all of Momma's grandparents, Daddy's grandpas and grandma, along with other babies (Tressel, Aidan, Everett, Audrey, Colby, Emma, Elliana, Kendall, and many, many others). But that all of that still doesn't make it easy for us...just makes us breathe a little easier, cry a little less, and have comfort and peace knowing that we will see you again someday.

We designed and ordered your headstone. Now we just wait...until then, there is a temporary marker so we can find your grave easily. We put flowers on your grave for Memorial day...which happened to be your 2 month Heaven birthday. It may be weird, but I find comfort when we visit your grave. It's peaceful there.

On Thursday, we finally planted the Magnolia tree that our small group from church gave us in memory of you. Grandpa Sherman helped Daddy dig the hole and plant it properly. (I'm sure you know how Grandpa is about yard work/gardening...he loves it!)

Oh, our little Junebug...God is still using you. To change people's lives. To start relationships with people. To grow His kingdom. What you have done and are continuing to do is amazing!

We think about you constantly! We oogle at the pictures of you! We love you so much, baby!

Love,
Momma and Daddy

(I will blog later more details about the Magnolia tree...we took lots of pictures of the process!)