First off, Happy Oliver Day! Sorry it's been so long since we have posted anything at all. It's been a crazy couple months for Allyson and I. Allyson is still trying to keep up with her kindergarteners and I feel like we always have something going on, but yet don't know what we've been doing. Don't worry though, the blog is going to start be more active again real soon.
Today it has been 33 weeks exactly since we said hello and see you later to Oliver. There isn't a day we don't think about him and thank God for having him in our lives. We look forward to each moment we get to share about our little guy and those opportunities have become less frequent over the last few months. People probably think we should be moving on, but I don't know how you move on from something which changes your life and the lives of others. Life will never be the same, even 33 weeks later. We miss Ollie more than ever, but know he's got the best baby sitter.
Check back soon...
Thanks,
Rob and Allyson
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11)
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Friday, September 30, 2011
Happy Half Birthday, Baby!
Dear sweet Oliver,
You have been in Heaven for 6 months--sometimes it feels like just yesterday we were holding you in our arms, and other times it feels like an eternity. We wonder what you would be like here on Earth...we look at other 6 month old babies and wonder what you would be doing. Would you be crawling? Babbling? Smiling? But then we remember that with all of the anomalies that you had, you wouldn't be crawling or babbling...you would hooked up to machines just to keep you alive. Not to mention, all of the surgeries and procedures. Oh baby, we believe that you would be miserable and in so much pain. You know we miss you terribly, but would never want that for you! Daddy and I are very glad that you are in Heaven and not in any pain. We know you don't need to crawl--you can fly! You don't need to babble--you can talk! And we know you are smiling all of the time because you are hanging out with some pretty awesome people, including Jesus! :) Like Daddy always tells me, you ARE with the best babysitter! Happy Half Birthday, Baby!
We love you so very much!
Daddy and Momma
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On a side note, we went to visit our OB this week to find out the results of Oliver's KateCares report. Everything came back just as we had been told in Cincinnati--no new findings. As you can imagine, that is a huge relief. The medical staff on the KateCares panel diagnosed him with urorectal septum malformation (URSM) sequence. It is not something that is genetic from Rob or I--it was just something that happened in his early development. The recurrence risk is less than 1%. We are very grateful for the time and research that many doctors and nurses put into figuring out what happened with our angel.
Thanks for your continued prayers and thoughts over the past 6+ months! We still feel them!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Happy Oliver Day!
Happy Oliver Day to everyone! It's Wednesday--so as most of you know, we refer to it as Oliver Day since it is the day when our little guy was born. And, every Wednesday, I do the same thing I did on the morning we were on our way to the hospital--I drink a Vanilla Frappuccino. I know it may seem a bit ridiculous, but it is another way I can remember back to the day when I got to meet our son. It's not that I really need a reminder because we think about him every day, but it has turned in to something special for me. (And I really like Vanilla Frappuccinos, so it's a great "excuse" to put one away weekly.)
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The last few weeks haven't been too bad, but the next week or so is going to be rough--I mean really rough. We are coming up on six month-versary of the birth and loss of Oliver. For some, this tends to be the hardest milestone--more so than say a month after, or even the year anniversary. We will have to wait to see what this will mean to us and how we are on that day. It's hard to believe six months have already passed! We've gone through a lot in life in these past six months, but we have made it because of the tremendous support we have gotten. Unfortunately over these past six months, we have had to learn about friends and others who have lost babies/children either through miscarriage, medical complications, or life situations. We pray they get the type of support we have received. We have been praying for them all and trying to help in any way we can, but it takes more than just us. So our advice to you--if you know of someone going through a tough situation (a loss or not), just let them know you are there and are praying for them. It will do more for their heart and soul than you will ever realize.
On a side note, the concrete has been poured for Oliver's headstone and it should be placed at any time. We were hoping it would be there this past weekend when we went to visit his grave, but it wasn't. Bummer! The cemetery was actually closed on Saturday when we went there because of the local festival going on, but we managed to "find a way in" to visit Ollie's grave. ;) No gate and lock is gonna keep this daddy and momma from their baby's grave.
On October 1st, we will be doing the "Walk to Remember", which is an event put on by St. Francis Hospitals. I'm sure it will be a great day, but also quite emotional for us since it will be one day after Oliver's 6-month Birthday. It's awesome this will be the 26th year for this event! I designed some special shirts for us to wear as our families walk to remember Oliver. |
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I hope everything is going well for everyone. Thanks for reading and being a part of Junebug's Journey.
Rob and Allyson
Monday, August 22, 2011
Walking and a Happy Birthday!
Allyson or I haven't posted for a while, so I thought now was a perfect time. On the 20th we both got to be a part of the Run 4 Everett to help raise awareness for Infant Loss, and the event also raised money for the great organization Kate Cares. We took part in the 5k at Fort Ben Park and for the inaugural event, and they had over 400 participants! It was truly amazing. Allyson’s mom, dad, and brother joined us as well, so that was nice. Before the race began we got to hear Oliver’s name read off and as it was read, we both released green balloons for our little guy.
It was an emotional but great moment for us both. We both wore little green Junebug hats we custom made for the walk to show support for Oliver.
Also, we drove the Junebug Beetle to the event.
The day was perfect for our walk and the paths could not have been nicer. Overall, it was a great day and I feel the event was great for people to have the chance to celebrate, honor, and remember the little ones they have lost in their lives. I think of the event of another great example of how people can turn tragedies in their lives in to something positive.
The second part of the weekend was Allyson’s birthday. I was able to get a card and a gift for her from Oliver which I think will be special to her for a long time. I would tell you more about it, but I want her to be able to tell everyone. With this being her first birthday since the loss of Oliver, it was tough. Not only tough for her, but also for me. I know the only thing she really wanted was to have our little baby boy here with us, and I wish I could have given her that gift. We still know he is part of a bigger plan, and the only way for him to be healthy was to be in heaven, but it is still tough. It’s hard to explain how much you miss someone that you only got to spend an hour and 41 minutes with outside the womb.
Through all we’ve been through, I’ve learned a mother’s love for their child is unlike anything else, it is almost impossible to explain. And to think that Christ’s love for us is greater than a mother’s love for their child. Christ’s level of love for us is so big, I don’t know if we can truly grasp and understand the magnitude.
With all of this being said, I hope and pray that everyone gets to experience both the love of being a parent and the love of Christ. I also hope nobody has to feel the sorrow we have felt with the loss of Oliver. I can’t imagine how Christ feels when someone strays away from Him and He loses one of his children.
Wow, I didn’t expect to get all deep in this post, but it happened. Anyway, Happy Birthday to my beautiful wife and wonderful mother to Ollie, I look forward to the many more birthdays we get to celebrate together.
Thanks for reading,
Rob
It was an emotional but great moment for us both. We both wore little green Junebug hats we custom made for the walk to show support for Oliver.
Also, we drove the Junebug Beetle to the event.
The day was perfect for our walk and the paths could not have been nicer. Overall, it was a great day and I feel the event was great for people to have the chance to celebrate, honor, and remember the little ones they have lost in their lives. I think of the event of another great example of how people can turn tragedies in their lives in to something positive.The second part of the weekend was Allyson’s birthday. I was able to get a card and a gift for her from Oliver which I think will be special to her for a long time. I would tell you more about it, but I want her to be able to tell everyone. With this being her first birthday since the loss of Oliver, it was tough. Not only tough for her, but also for me. I know the only thing she really wanted was to have our little baby boy here with us, and I wish I could have given her that gift. We still know he is part of a bigger plan, and the only way for him to be healthy was to be in heaven, but it is still tough. It’s hard to explain how much you miss someone that you only got to spend an hour and 41 minutes with outside the womb.
Through all we’ve been through, I’ve learned a mother’s love for their child is unlike anything else, it is almost impossible to explain. And to think that Christ’s love for us is greater than a mother’s love for their child. Christ’s level of love for us is so big, I don’t know if we can truly grasp and understand the magnitude.
With all of this being said, I hope and pray that everyone gets to experience both the love of being a parent and the love of Christ. I also hope nobody has to feel the sorrow we have felt with the loss of Oliver. I can’t imagine how Christ feels when someone strays away from Him and He loses one of his children.
Wow, I didn’t expect to get all deep in this post, but it happened. Anyway, Happy Birthday to my beautiful wife and wonderful mother to Ollie, I look forward to the many more birthdays we get to celebrate together.
Thanks for reading,
Rob
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Hope
Hope--the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn our for the best. (definition from dictionary.com)
Rob's aunt Karla got us this Willow Tree figurine...which we love. The other day, while I was cleaning, I got a little crazy with my Sw*ffer duster and knocked him off of the mantel. He landed on the tile below and his little outstretched hand broke off. I was crushed...but managed to keep composure. I was on the verge of tears, but knew I needed to fix him. I tried using wood glue--because I knew exactly where I could find it--to no avail. (Apparently they aren't wooden...) So I got the super glue out of Rob's Geocaching kit from Tony and Rett and it worked perfect. Our little Willow Tree boy now has his hand back with just a tiny scar.
When I was telling my SIL Rett about this mishap, she--in her wise and wit--explained to me how this could be seen as symbolism. Some people may lose hope when they are knocked down and broken, but we can be put back together with a little TLC. We will never be the same and always have a scar (visible or not), but we shouldn't give up hope. We can continue on with life and everything will turn out for the best.
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On a side note, how has it already been 16 weeks since our angel came to visit?! Time is going so fast! We are continuing to make progress in our healing. We have realized that God never intended for our son to be a take-home baby...he was meant to be an angel. God made his body so that it was obvious to us that he was suppose to visit us for a short time and then go home to Heaven.
We still don't have the full report yet from KateCares, but should within the next month. It takes a long time because they are so thorough, which will be good for us in the long run. We did get the preliminary autopsy results, which stated that his chromosomes were normal (so no down syndrome, trisomy's, or other chromosomal abnormalities). :) He did have a multicystic kidney, which was anticipated from the MRI findings. (If we get pregnant again, the doctors will monitor me and the baby closely--as if they wouldn't already--, but nothing to be worried about.) ...Also, they tested the placenta and umbilical cord to see if there were problems there that could have caused any of Oliver's defects...and everything was normal. :) So now we just wait to hear from the KateCares committee to see what else they have to say.
Please continue to pray for us and our families as we are continuing to grieve. We are starting to really get back to real life routines...I go back to school in a couple of weeks and will be teaching kindergarten this year. I will definitely need those prayers then. ;)
Rob's aunt Karla got us this Willow Tree figurine...which we love. The other day, while I was cleaning, I got a little crazy with my Sw*ffer duster and knocked him off of the mantel. He landed on the tile below and his little outstretched hand broke off. I was crushed...but managed to keep composure. I was on the verge of tears, but knew I needed to fix him. I tried using wood glue--because I knew exactly where I could find it--to no avail. (Apparently they aren't wooden...) So I got the super glue out of Rob's Geocaching kit from Tony and Rett and it worked perfect. Our little Willow Tree boy now has his hand back with just a tiny scar.
When I was telling my SIL Rett about this mishap, she--in her wise and wit--explained to me how this could be seen as symbolism. Some people may lose hope when they are knocked down and broken, but we can be put back together with a little TLC. We will never be the same and always have a scar (visible or not), but we shouldn't give up hope. We can continue on with life and everything will turn out for the best.
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On a side note, how has it already been 16 weeks since our angel came to visit?! Time is going so fast! We are continuing to make progress in our healing. We have realized that God never intended for our son to be a take-home baby...he was meant to be an angel. God made his body so that it was obvious to us that he was suppose to visit us for a short time and then go home to Heaven.
We still don't have the full report yet from KateCares, but should within the next month. It takes a long time because they are so thorough, which will be good for us in the long run. We did get the preliminary autopsy results, which stated that his chromosomes were normal (so no down syndrome, trisomy's, or other chromosomal abnormalities). :) He did have a multicystic kidney, which was anticipated from the MRI findings. (If we get pregnant again, the doctors will monitor me and the baby closely--as if they wouldn't already--, but nothing to be worried about.) ...Also, they tested the placenta and umbilical cord to see if there were problems there that could have caused any of Oliver's defects...and everything was normal. :) So now we just wait to hear from the KateCares committee to see what else they have to say.
Please continue to pray for us and our families as we are continuing to grieve. We are starting to really get back to real life routines...I go back to school in a couple of weeks and will be teaching kindergarten this year. I will definitely need those prayers then. ;)
Thursday, June 30, 2011
.: Reflection :.
So today is Oliver's 3 month Heavenly birthday. Yesterday, I was reflecting on how things have changed over the last three months. Sit back, relax (with a box of tissues)...this is gonna be a long one.
On March 29, I was feeling Junebug move and hiccup inside my belly, talking to Junebug, praying for God to grant us a miracle, and preparing to meet our Junebug. But nothing could prepare us for what we were about to experience. The morning of March 30th was the most bittersweet day for us (and our family and friends). Rob and I went into the hospital at 5:45 a.m. and I checked in at 6 a.m. The nurses prepped me for surgery. Starting IV's. Taking medical history. Listening to Junebug's heartbeat. My parents and Rob's parents arrived at the hospital around 7 and came back to triage to see me. Joni, the bereavement nurse, came in to check on me. Around 7:30, my OB (Dr. L) came back to see me. She came in, sat down on my bed, and gave me a huge hug! She was choking back tears while trying to keep me calm. This was going to be as difficult for her as it was for us. While she went to change into her scrubs, the anesthesiologist (Julie) explained to me what was going to happen when she gave me the spinal block. By 7:45, I had given Rob the last hug and kiss before surgery. I was now being escorted to the OR by Dr. L, Joni, Julie, and the triage nurse.
When I walked in the OR, it was the scariest thing I have ever seen. There were bright lights, loud noises, people walking around covered head to toe in blue cloth...it was so strange. I was terrified! And my rock, my husband, was not allowed in there yet. (I have never had surgery before, so this was not a great time to see the OR for the first time.) I was a mess. Just melting. Right there in the OR. A hysterical sobbing pregnant woman. I had to sit on the edge of the table while Julie placed the spinal block. Dr. L hugged me. Held me. Rubbed my upper back. Calming me. Whispered encouragements. To be honest, since I couldn't have Rob (or my mom and dad), then Dr. L was the next best thing. After Julie was finished with her job, the nurses finished prepping me for surgery and Rob was allowed to come in. Dr. L made sure that the sheet was low enough that I would be able to see Junebug when she took him out. (We were told that it was noted from the MRIs that he had a short umbilical cord.) Rob sat by my head, holding my hand and stroking my hair. Around 8:00, Greg (our good friend and a pastor) came in the OR. At 8:03, Dr. L started the c-section. We were going to meet our little baby. We were excited, yet nervous. Happy, yet sad. Hopeful, yet realistic. At 8:10, Dr. L held up our baby. Rob got to call out the gender--"It's a...BOY? It's a BOY!" I just cried at the sight of him. I made sure to say "Momma was right! Momma was right! I knew it was boy!" Then we had to decide a name while the nurses were cleaning him up. "Rhys Matthew?" Rob asked. In a whiny-kinda way, I replied "No...his name is Oliver!" By 8:11, I was holding my son! :) It was the best feeling in the world. He is precious! He is perfect! We did give him oxygen via a bypass tube...but we chose not to do anything heroic. We allowed God to move in the way He had planned. Greg baptized Oliver with Holy water in a sea shell. This was very important for Rob and I.
At 8:45, we were in my room. And as far as details in there...you are going to have to wait. The story will be continued later.
Well, this isn't exactly how I planned for this post to go. I was just going to talk about how our lives have changed since March 30. What progress we have made. What struggles we still have. But I guess God or Ollie wanted Momma to tell the details of that day. :)
As I was reflecting today, I read the green journal for Oliver Junebug that people have written in. Telling him how God has used him to change their life. Or for people to tell us how God used us to help them. Encourage them. Change them. Today, when I was feeling sad, it helped to know that God has used (and continues to use) our sweet little miracle baby to touch and change people. I'm not going to say that it makes it okay to be on this Earth without our baby, but knowing the impact of God's will for our little guy has helped us on the toughest of days. If you didn't get a chance to write a note to Oliver or us and want to, just add a comment to this post. I plan on printing them out and pasting them in the green journal. (Or if you want to write another for those of you who already have... that's fine too!)
We appreciate everyone's continued thoughts, prayers, calls, texts, FB messages, and emails. The "fog" is starting to lift...and we are starting to really function. We are still going to need your prayers and support in coming months and years. But it will get easier... but never easy.
Happy Heavenly birthday, baby! We love you so much!!
On March 29, I was feeling Junebug move and hiccup inside my belly, talking to Junebug, praying for God to grant us a miracle, and preparing to meet our Junebug. But nothing could prepare us for what we were about to experience. The morning of March 30th was the most bittersweet day for us (and our family and friends). Rob and I went into the hospital at 5:45 a.m. and I checked in at 6 a.m. The nurses prepped me for surgery. Starting IV's. Taking medical history. Listening to Junebug's heartbeat. My parents and Rob's parents arrived at the hospital around 7 and came back to triage to see me. Joni, the bereavement nurse, came in to check on me. Around 7:30, my OB (Dr. L) came back to see me. She came in, sat down on my bed, and gave me a huge hug! She was choking back tears while trying to keep me calm. This was going to be as difficult for her as it was for us. While she went to change into her scrubs, the anesthesiologist (Julie) explained to me what was going to happen when she gave me the spinal block. By 7:45, I had given Rob the last hug and kiss before surgery. I was now being escorted to the OR by Dr. L, Joni, Julie, and the triage nurse.
When I walked in the OR, it was the scariest thing I have ever seen. There were bright lights, loud noises, people walking around covered head to toe in blue cloth...it was so strange. I was terrified! And my rock, my husband, was not allowed in there yet. (I have never had surgery before, so this was not a great time to see the OR for the first time.) I was a mess. Just melting. Right there in the OR. A hysterical sobbing pregnant woman. I had to sit on the edge of the table while Julie placed the spinal block. Dr. L hugged me. Held me. Rubbed my upper back. Calming me. Whispered encouragements. To be honest, since I couldn't have Rob (or my mom and dad), then Dr. L was the next best thing. After Julie was finished with her job, the nurses finished prepping me for surgery and Rob was allowed to come in. Dr. L made sure that the sheet was low enough that I would be able to see Junebug when she took him out. (We were told that it was noted from the MRIs that he had a short umbilical cord.) Rob sat by my head, holding my hand and stroking my hair. Around 8:00, Greg (our good friend and a pastor) came in the OR. At 8:03, Dr. L started the c-section. We were going to meet our little baby. We were excited, yet nervous. Happy, yet sad. Hopeful, yet realistic. At 8:10, Dr. L held up our baby. Rob got to call out the gender--"It's a...BOY? It's a BOY!" I just cried at the sight of him. I made sure to say "Momma was right! Momma was right! I knew it was boy!" Then we had to decide a name while the nurses were cleaning him up. "Rhys Matthew?" Rob asked. In a whiny-kinda way, I replied "No...his name is Oliver!" By 8:11, I was holding my son! :) It was the best feeling in the world. He is precious! He is perfect! We did give him oxygen via a bypass tube...but we chose not to do anything heroic. We allowed God to move in the way He had planned. Greg baptized Oliver with Holy water in a sea shell. This was very important for Rob and I.
At 8:45, we were in my room. And as far as details in there...you are going to have to wait. The story will be continued later.
Well, this isn't exactly how I planned for this post to go. I was just going to talk about how our lives have changed since March 30. What progress we have made. What struggles we still have. But I guess God or Ollie wanted Momma to tell the details of that day. :)
As I was reflecting today, I read the green journal for Oliver Junebug that people have written in. Telling him how God has used him to change their life. Or for people to tell us how God used us to help them. Encourage them. Change them. Today, when I was feeling sad, it helped to know that God has used (and continues to use) our sweet little miracle baby to touch and change people. I'm not going to say that it makes it okay to be on this Earth without our baby, but knowing the impact of God's will for our little guy has helped us on the toughest of days. If you didn't get a chance to write a note to Oliver or us and want to, just add a comment to this post. I plan on printing them out and pasting them in the green journal. (Or if you want to write another for those of you who already have... that's fine too!)
We appreciate everyone's continued thoughts, prayers, calls, texts, FB messages, and emails. The "fog" is starting to lift...and we are starting to really function. We are still going to need your prayers and support in coming months and years. But it will get easier... but never easy.
Happy Heavenly birthday, baby! We love you so much!!
We took this picture in Myrtle Beach this past weekend.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Letter to Daddy
I have been thinking about Oliver a lot (as you would expect)...but we have had some milestones in the past week that made us think and talk to him even more than we do on a daily basis.
The first milestone was Daddy's Day--Rob's first Father's day and he can't hold his baby boy. We anticipated it to be a very sad day...but it was pretty good. :) We slept in, went to my parent's for lunch and to hang out, and went on a bike ride with my dad (which was pretty fun and funny). Throughout the day and weekend, I asked Oliver (in my head) what he wants to say to his daddy...and this is what he said:
The first milestone was Daddy's Day--Rob's first Father's day and he can't hold his baby boy. We anticipated it to be a very sad day...but it was pretty good. :) We slept in, went to my parent's for lunch and to hang out, and went on a bike ride with my dad (which was pretty fun and funny). Throughout the day and weekend, I asked Oliver (in my head) what he wants to say to his daddy...and this is what he said:
Dear Daddy,
Happy Daddy's Day to the bestest daddy in the whole wide world!! I can't tell you how much I wish I could physically be with you on Earth, but I am with you always. I watch you and listen to you. I hug you and kiss you--like you kissed and hugged me on the day I was born. I loved that...just as much as you did! I love that you were confused when you saw I was a boy--Momma kept trying to tell you that she was right. I love that you wanted to show me outside and what cars look like, so you took me to the window. Even though I didn't have my eyes open and didn't see then, I see it now. There are some pretty cool cars on Earth, huh?! I especially love that green VW Beetle you and Momma got and named after me--Junebug. That's one cool car, Daddy! And I love that Papaw, Mimi, Uncle Tony, Aunt Rett, and Abby, Laney and Hayleigh want to play with it and fix it up too! I am with you then too!
Daddy, you are an amazing man! You are so faithful, strong, loving, smart, handsome, funny, and Godly. Thanks for being so strong for me and helping Momma fight for me! You never gave up on me or God's plan. (And trust me, He knows what He's doing...) Thanks for being so loving to me and Momma...taking care of all our needs and wants. You are super smart. You know how to do computer stuff and lots of car stuff. You are one handsome daddy...I brag about you here in Heaven, just like I do about Momma too. Jesus just laughs and rolls his eyes...he thinks I'm silly! And Daddy, you are such a Godly man. I love that you aren't afraid to tell people about what God is doing in your life. I will see you again someday (God won't tell me when though...).
Stay strong, Daddy! Remember, God has a big plan...and you and Momma are part of it! I miss you and love you a lot, Daddy!
Your Precious Baby,
Oliver Matthew Junebug
P.S. I love that awesome HotWheel truck you gave me! That was very special and I'm glad I got to own a HotWheel! :)
Another milestone was Oliver's due date day--June 20. This was a hard day for us...I was suppose to be pregnant still, unless Junebug decided otherwise. It was going to be the day that we met our baby. And a couple days later, take him home. But, God had a different plan...as you all know. We kept ourselves busy and went to Cincinnati. We went to some outlet malls, Ikea, and ate at the resturant that we ate at almost 12 weeks ago for our final, last-chance-to-help-Junebug appointment. Overall, it turned out to be an okay day...and we felt Oliver with us--comforting Momma and Daddy on the difficult day.
And then today is, of course, Oliver Day! :) Today, it's been 12 weeks since we said hello and see ya later to Oliver. 12 weeks?! Where has time gone? We miss our baby a lot still...and always will. We still have our good days and bad days...more good than bad lately. But there are definitely days that we just cry and cry...and relive the whole situation. We are healing...but it's a slow process. We will always have an Oliver-sized hole in our hearts that can never be filled. But on a happier note, it's Happy Oliver Day! :) Hope everyone has a great Ollie Day...you know he would want you to! He is smiling down on you and loving on you too!
Daddy driving the Junebug
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