Time flies, huh?!

Wow, time has really flown since our last post. We are so sorry it's been so long. I'm going to do my best to get you caught up on what has been going on in our lives.

In our last post, we had just covered the big ultrasound, found out all is well with Bumblebee, and we are having a boy. Well since then, our little guy has grown a ton and Allyson's belly has grown as well. We just had maternity photos done by the same photographer that captured Oliver's arrival. You can check out RHEMA photography's F*cebook page to see them. They turned out awesome and were so fun to shoot. 

(At 31 weeks...)

We had a couple rounds of 4D ultrasounds to hopefully see what our little guy looks like (pictures below). Bumblebee didn't really want to cooperate completely, but we still got some great pictures. He was continuously showing us that he is most definitely boy. It was quite funny! Allyson's parents and my parents were able to come along for the first 4D ultrasound, but for the second session it was only Allyson and I.

We were hoping once we saw him in some 4D pictures we would know what to name him, but we still haven't decided. Allyson likes one name and I like another, but who knows what he'll end up being named this point.

(First 3D/4D Ultrasound)

(Second 3D/4D Ultrasound)

In the last few months, we have had what we call our "Oliver moments". These are times when we get sad or upset because we miss Ollie. It has also been tough because at times I have a feeling of guilt enjoying or being excited about Bumblebee's arrival. We are experiencing things we didn't get to with Oliver. It has been exciting getting to have baby showers and get baby stuff, but at the same time, we are reminded on how Bumblebee's big brother isn't here and how we never got to do these sorts of things for him. We definitely have more good days than bad ones, but it has still been a challenge. Please remember Oliver this Friday, March 30th as it would have been his 1st birthday. We plan on making it a happy day and celebrating his short life which impacted many. It's hard to believe what all has happened in the last year and a half. We know now more than ever that everything that happens has a purpose. And sometimes only God knows what that purpose is...

Anyway, many people have blessed us with so many gifts and support it has been awesome! I have learned a lot about baby stuff I didn't even know existed. New products to me like a Bumbo and a Boppy! As a guy, I never thought I would be excited about owning things with these names. Also, who knew one could get excited about receiving plastic baby spoons, baby bottles, and something called a Wubbanub?! I definitely have a lot more to learn still yet, but Allyson is helping me get up to speed on all this baby stuff. A week and a half to go until Bumblebee arrives. I'll try to make sure we post more often.

Thanks for reading!

Rob (and Allyson) 

Merry Christmas!

We would like to wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas and Happy 2012! May God bless you in the coming year, just as He has blessed us this year. We love you all!

Rob, Allyson, {{Oliver}}, and Baby Bumblebee


Here is a picture of Ollie's decorated headstone...I'm sure he loves it! :)

Are you ready for this...

 Get your bottle of water...maybe a snack...and get ready to settle in for a little bit because this is going to be a long post! :) I mean, I have a lot to update you on.... 

...All of us at my brother's wedding (Nov. 25)...

Alright, I'll cut to the chase--our little Oliver Junebug is going to have a little Bumblebee to look after from Heaven. That's right, we are expecting another bundle of joy. 

...Introducing Bumblebee...

We had our first ultrasound on September 9 at 8 weeks. Everything looked great...which it did with Oliver, too. So we tried not to get our hopes up too much. We were still being cautiously optimistic. Loving this baby, but still guarding our hearts. Our OB told us she isn't worried about anything and she is going to treat this as a normal pregnancy because there is no reason to think otherwise. Especially since Oliver's issues weren't something genetic that was passed from Rob and/or I. 


I had (well, still have) mixed emotions about this...we've already lost one precious baby. We can't do it again! We were strong and made it through Oliver's stuff...but I don't know that we could do it again. I don't want to find out! But we are trusting God...this is His plan and He knows what is best for us. And He got us to this point...He blessed us with this little Bumblebee. 


Anyway, we went on with life like normal. We still didn't tell many people of our exciting news except our parents, family, and close friends. Then...well, I couldn't hide it any longer. Let's just say...at about 13 weeks...people began to notice. ;) So we started telling more and more people...especially if they asked or looked at my belly with a funny/thoughtful look. 


Well, we went on November 21 for the big ultrasound. As expected, we were very nervous, excited, and scared for this appointment--especially in the days leading up to it. (In case you don't remember, it was this ultrasound that we found out Junebug didn't have any fluid and our world fell apart...) Luckily, we have wonderful family and friends who prayed for us and the appointment. By Monday, we weren't even nervous...we had a great peace about what was to come. God was holding us...and Oliver was comforting us, like he was telling us "Daddy and Momma--don't worry. God is in control and He's pretty awesome! He's not gonna let you down!" :) ...And to be honest, I was more worried about peeing my pants than anything...sorry if that's TMI! 


They finally called us back to the room and I laid down on the table. The ultrasound tech put the wand on my belly and immediately, Rob and I knew things were better than with Oliver. We could see the baby! And there was lots of fluid around it! :) After the tech made me get up to "let some out" 4 times because my bladder was 3 times the size it should be and was interfering with her "picture taking", we were able to see that the heartbeat was strong, there is a 3 vessel cord (which is normal, but unlike Oliver's), and the baby was moving all over. She measured the head, brain, abdominal cavity, and femur.  We watched the 4 chambers of the heart beating. We accounted for stomach, kidneys, and bladder--all of which looked like they should. And Bumblebee is just as active as Junebug--I love feeling the baby move!! Then, it came time for the fun part...the gender reveal! See the picture below to see if you can figure it out... 

It's pretty obvious, huh?! :)

Here are some other pictures from our ultrasound. Enjoy!

Bumblebee's Foot (So little and cute!)

Bumblebee's hand...waving hello to Momma and Daddy

Bumblebee's deep in thought...and swallowing the fluid (if we could upload the video, you could see it)

Oh, and for those of you who are wondering, our official due date is April 14 (which is Rob's birthday)--but our C-section is scheduled for April 9, 2012. :) Can't believe we are over half way...


And there is still more to say...but I will stop there for now. :) Thanks for checking in...and check back soon. Hopefully, we will be more regular again...


XOXO,
Allyson 

It's been a while since we've posted...

First off, Happy Oliver Day! Sorry it's been so long since we have posted anything at all. It's been a crazy couple months for Allyson and I. Allyson is still trying to keep up with her kindergarteners and I feel like we always have something going on, but yet don't know what we've been doing. Don't worry though, the blog is going to start be more active again real soon.

Today it has been 33 weeks exactly since we said hello and see you later to Oliver. There isn't a day we don't think about him and thank God for having him in our lives. We look forward to each moment we get to share about our little guy and those opportunities have become less frequent over the last few months. People probably think we should be moving on, but I don't know how you move on from something which changes your life and the lives of others. Life will never be the same, even 33 weeks later. We miss Ollie more than ever, but know he's got the best baby sitter.

Check back soon...

Thanks,
Rob and Allyson

Happy Half Birthday, Baby!

Dear sweet Oliver,

You have been in Heaven for 6 months--sometimes it feels like just yesterday we were holding you in our arms, and other times it feels like an eternity. We wonder what you would be like here on Earth...we look at other 6 month old babies and wonder what you would be doing. Would you be crawling? Babbling? Smiling? But then we remember that with all of the anomalies that you had, you wouldn't be crawling or babbling...you would hooked up to machines just to keep you alive. Not to mention, all of the surgeries and procedures. Oh baby, we believe that you would be miserable and in so much pain. You know we miss you terribly, but would never want that for you! Daddy and I are very glad that you are in Heaven and not in any pain. We know you don't need to crawl--you can fly! You don't need to babble--you can talk! And we know you are smiling all of the time because you are hanging out with some pretty awesome people, including Jesus! :) Like Daddy always tells me, you ARE with the best babysitter! Happy Half Birthday, Baby!

We love you so very much!
Daddy and Momma

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a side note, we went to visit our OB this week to find out the results of Oliver's KateCares report. Everything came back just as we had been told in Cincinnati--no new findings. As you can imagine, that is a huge relief. The medical staff on the KateCares panel diagnosed him with urorectal septum malformation (URSM) sequence. It is not something that is genetic from Rob or I--it was just something that happened in his early development. The recurrence risk is less than 1%. We are very grateful for the time and research that many doctors and nurses put into figuring out what happened with our angel.

Thanks for your continued prayers and thoughts over the past 6+ months! We still feel them!

Happy Oliver Day!

Happy Oliver Day to everyone! It's Wednesday--so as most of you know, we refer to it as Oliver Day since it is the day when our little guy was born. And, every Wednesday, I do the same thing I did on the morning we were on our way to the hospital--I drink a Vanilla Frappuccino. I know it may seem a bit ridiculous, but it is another way I can remember back to the day when I got to meet our son. It's not that I really need a reminder because we think about him every day, but it has turned in to something special for me. (And I really like Vanilla Frappuccinos, so it's a great "excuse" to put one away weekly.) 

...Yum...

The last few weeks haven't been too bad, but the next week or so is going to be rough--I mean really rough. We are coming up on six month-versary of the birth and loss of Oliver. For some, this tends to be the hardest milestone--more so than say a month after, or even the year anniversary. We will have to wait to see what this will mean to us and how we are on that day. It's hard to believe six months have already passed! We've gone through a lot in life in these past six months, but we have made it because of the tremendous support we have gotten. Unfortunately over these past six months, we have had to learn about friends and others who have lost babies/children either through miscarriage, medical complications, or life situations. We pray they get the type of support we have received. We have been praying for them all and trying to help in any way we can, but it takes more than just us. So our advice to you--if you know of someone going through a tough situation (a loss or not), just let them know you are there and are praying for them. It will do more for their heart and soul than you will ever realize. 

On a side note, the concrete has been poured for Oliver's headstone and it should be placed at any time. We were hoping it would be there this past weekend when we went to visit his grave, but it wasn't. Bummer! The cemetery was actually closed on Saturday when we went there because of the local festival going on, but we managed to "find a way in" to visit Ollie's grave. ;) No gate and lock is gonna keep this daddy and momma from their baby's grave. 

On October 1st, we will be doing the "Walk to Remember", which is an event put on by St. Francis Hospitals. I'm sure it will be a great day, but also quite emotional for us since it will be one day after Oliver's 6-month Birthday. It's awesome this will be the 26th year for this event! I designed some special shirts for us to wear as our families walk to remember Oliver.

Front

Back

I hope everything is going well for everyone. Thanks for reading and being a part of Junebug's Journey.

Rob and Allyson

Walking and a Happy Birthday!

Allyson or I haven't posted for a while, so I thought now was a perfect time. On the 20th we both got to be a part of the Run 4 Everett to help raise awareness for Infant Loss, and the event also raised money for the great organization Kate Cares. We took part in the 5k at Fort Ben Park and for the inaugural event, and they had over 400 participants! It was truly amazing. Allyson’s mom, dad, and brother joined us as well, so that was nice. Before the race began we got to hear Oliver’s name read off and as it was read, we both released green balloons for our little guy.

 
It was an emotional but great moment for us both. We both wore little green Junebug hats we custom made for the walk to show support for Oliver.

Also, we drove the Junebug Beetle to the event. The day was perfect for our walk and the paths could not have been nicer. Overall, it was a great day and I feel the event was great for people to have the chance to celebrate, honor, and remember the little ones they have lost in their lives. I think of the event of another great example of how people can turn tragedies in their lives in to something positive.

The second part of the weekend was Allyson’s birthday. I was able to get a card and a gift for her from Oliver which I think will be special to her for a long time. I would tell you more about it, but I want her to be able to tell everyone. With this being her first birthday since the loss of Oliver, it was tough. Not only tough for her, but also for me. I know the only thing she really wanted was to have our little baby boy here with us, and I wish I could have given her that gift. We still know he is part of a bigger plan, and the only way for him to be healthy was to be in heaven, but it is still tough. It’s hard to explain how much you miss someone that you only got to spend an hour and 41 minutes with outside the womb.

Through all we’ve been through, I’ve learned a mother’s love for their child is unlike anything else, it is almost impossible to explain. And to think that Christ’s love for us is greater than a mother’s love for their child. Christ’s level of love for us is so big, I don’t know if we can truly grasp and understand the magnitude.

With all of this being said, I hope and pray that everyone gets to experience both the love of being a parent and the love of Christ. I also hope nobody has to feel the sorrow we have felt with the loss of Oliver. I can’t imagine how Christ feels when someone strays away from Him and He loses one of his children.

Wow, I didn’t expect to get all deep in this post, but it happened. Anyway, Happy Birthday to my beautiful wife and wonderful mother to Ollie, I look forward to the many more birthdays we get to celebrate together.

Thanks for reading,
Rob

Hope

Hope--the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn our for the best. (definition from dictionary.com)





Rob's aunt Karla got us this Willow Tree figurine...which we love. The other day, while I was cleaning, I got a little crazy with my Sw*ffer duster and knocked him off of the mantel. He landed on the tile below and his little outstretched hand broke off. I was crushed...but managed to keep composure. I was on the verge of tears, but knew I needed to fix him. I tried using wood glue--because I knew exactly where I could find it--to no avail. (Apparently they aren't wooden...) So I got the super glue out of Rob's Geocaching kit from Tony and Rett and it worked perfect. Our little Willow Tree boy now has his hand back with just a tiny scar.

When I was telling my SIL Rett about this mishap, she--in her wise and wit--explained to me how this could be seen as symbolism. Some people may lose hope when they are knocked down and broken, but we can be put back together with a little TLC. We will never be the same and always have a scar (visible or not), but we shouldn't give up hope. We can continue on with life and everything will turn out for the best.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a side note, how has it already been 16 weeks since our angel came to visit?! Time is going so fast! We are continuing to make progress in our healing. We have realized that God never intended for our son to be a take-home baby...he was meant to be an angel. God made his body so that it was obvious to us that he was suppose to visit us for a short time and then go home to Heaven.

We still don't have the full report yet from KateCares, but should within the next month. It takes a long time because they are so thorough, which will be good for us in the long run. We did get the preliminary autopsy results, which stated that his chromosomes were normal (so no down syndrome, trisomy's, or other chromosomal abnormalities). :) He did have a multicystic kidney, which was anticipated from the MRI findings. (If we get pregnant again, the doctors will monitor me and the baby closely--as if they wouldn't already--, but nothing to be worried about.) ...Also, they tested the placenta and umbilical cord to see if there were problems there that could have caused any of Oliver's defects...and everything was normal. :) So now we just wait to hear from the KateCares committee to see what else they have to say.

Please continue to pray for us and our families as we are continuing to grieve. We are starting to really get back to real life routines...I go back to school in a couple of weeks and will be teaching kindergarten this year. I will definitely need those prayers then. ;)

.: Reflection :.

So today is Oliver's 3 month Heavenly birthday. Yesterday, I was reflecting on how things have changed over the last three months. Sit back, relax (with a box of tissues)...this is gonna be a long one.

On March 29, I was feeling Junebug move and hiccup inside my belly, talking to Junebug, praying for God to grant us a miracle, and preparing to meet our Junebug. But nothing could prepare us for what we were about to experience. The morning of March 30th was the most bittersweet day for us (and our family and friends). Rob and I went into the hospital at 5:45 a.m. and I checked in at 6 a.m. The nurses prepped me for surgery. Starting IV's. Taking medical history. Listening to Junebug's heartbeat. My parents and Rob's parents arrived at the hospital around 7 and came back to triage to see me. Joni, the bereavement nurse, came in to check on me. Around 7:30, my OB (Dr. L) came back to see me. She came in, sat down on my bed, and gave me a huge hug! She was choking back tears while trying to keep me calm. This was going to be as difficult for her as it was for us. While she went to change into her scrubs, the anesthesiologist (Julie) explained to me what was going to happen when she gave me the spinal block. By 7:45, I had given Rob the last hug and kiss before surgery. I was now being escorted to the OR by Dr. L, Joni, Julie, and the triage nurse.

When I walked in the OR, it was the scariest thing I have ever seen. There were bright lights, loud noises, people walking around covered head to toe in blue cloth...it was so strange. I was terrified! And my rock, my husband, was not allowed in there yet. (I have never had surgery before, so this was not a great time to see the OR for the first time.) I was a mess. Just melting. Right there in the OR. A hysterical sobbing pregnant woman. I had to sit on the edge of the table while Julie placed the spinal block. Dr. L hugged me. Held me. Rubbed my upper back. Calming me. Whispered encouragements. To be honest, since I couldn't have Rob (or my mom and dad), then Dr. L was the next best thing. After Julie was finished with her job, the nurses finished prepping me for surgery and Rob was allowed to come in. Dr. L made sure that the sheet was low enough that I would be able to see Junebug when she took him out. (We were told that it was noted from the MRIs that he had a short umbilical cord.) Rob sat by my head, holding my hand and stroking my hair. Around 8:00, Greg (our good friend and a pastor) came in the OR. At 8:03, Dr. L started the c-section. We were going to meet our little baby. We were excited, yet nervous. Happy, yet sad. Hopeful, yet realistic. At 8:10, Dr. L held up our baby. Rob got to call out the gender--"It's a...BOY? It's a BOY!" I just cried at the sight of him. I made sure to say "Momma was right! Momma was right! I knew it was boy!" Then we had to decide a name while the nurses were cleaning him up. "Rhys Matthew?" Rob asked. In a whiny-kinda way, I replied "No...his name is Oliver!" By 8:11, I was holding my son! :) It was the best feeling in the world. He is precious! He is perfect! We did give him oxygen via a bypass tube...but we chose not to do anything heroic. We allowed God to move in the way He had planned. Greg baptized Oliver with Holy water in a sea shell. This was very important for Rob and I.

At 8:45, we were in my room. And as far as details in there...you are going to have to wait. The story will be continued later.

Well, this isn't exactly how I planned for this post to go. I was just going to talk about how our lives have  changed since March 30. What progress we have made. What struggles we still have. But I guess God or Ollie wanted Momma to tell the details of that day. :)

As I was reflecting today, I read the green journal for Oliver Junebug that people have written in. Telling him how God has used him to change their life. Or for people to tell us how God used us to help them.  Encourage them. Change them. Today, when I was feeling sad, it helped to know that God has used (and continues to use) our sweet little miracle baby to touch and change people. I'm not going to say that it makes it okay to be on this Earth without our baby, but knowing the impact of God's will for our little guy has helped us on the toughest of days. If you didn't get a chance to write a note to Oliver or us and want to, just add a comment to this post. I plan on printing them out and pasting them in the green journal. (Or if you want to write another for those of you who already have... that's fine too!)

We appreciate everyone's continued thoughts, prayers, calls, texts, FB messages, and emails. The "fog" is starting to lift...and we are starting to really function. We are still going to need your prayers and support in coming months and years. But it will get easier... but never easy.

Happy Heavenly birthday, baby! We love you so much!!

We took this picture in Myrtle Beach this past weekend.

Letter to Daddy

I have been thinking about Oliver a lot (as you would expect)...but we have had some milestones in the past week that made us think and talk to him even more than we do on a daily basis. 


The first milestone was Daddy's Day--Rob's first Father's day and he can't hold his baby boy. We anticipated it to be a very sad day...but it was pretty good. :) We slept in, went to my parent's for lunch and to hang out, and went on a bike ride with my dad (which was pretty fun and funny). Throughout the day and weekend, I asked Oliver (in my head) what he wants to say to his daddy...and this is what he said:

Dear Daddy,

Happy Daddy's Day to the bestest daddy in the whole wide world!! I can't tell you how much I wish I could physically be with you on Earth, but I am with you always. I watch you and listen to you. I hug you and kiss you--like you kissed and hugged me on the day I was born. I loved that...just as much as you did! I love that you were confused when you saw I was a boy--Momma kept trying to tell you that she was right. I love that you wanted to show me outside and what cars look like, so you took me to the window. Even though I didn't have my eyes open and didn't see then, I see it now. There are some pretty cool cars on Earth, huh?! I especially love that green VW Beetle you and Momma got and named after me--Junebug. That's one cool car, Daddy! And I love that Papaw, Mimi, Uncle Tony, Aunt Rett, and Abby, Laney and Hayleigh want to play with it and fix it up too! I am with you then too! 

Daddy, you are an amazing man! You are so faithful, strong, loving, smart, handsome, funny, and Godly.  Thanks for being so strong for me and helping Momma fight for me! You never gave up on me or God's plan. (And trust me, He knows what He's doing...) Thanks for being so loving to me and Momma...taking care of  all our needs and wants. You are super smart. You know how to do computer stuff and lots of car stuff. You are one handsome daddy...I brag about you here in Heaven, just like I do about Momma too. Jesus just laughs and rolls his eyes...he thinks I'm silly! And Daddy, you are such a Godly man. I love that you aren't afraid to tell people about what God is doing in your life. I will see you again someday (God won't tell me when though...). 

Stay strong, Daddy! Remember, God has a big plan...and you and Momma are part of it! I miss you and love you a lot, Daddy! 

Your Precious Baby, 

Oliver Matthew Junebug

P.S. I love that awesome HotWheel truck you gave me! That was very special and I'm glad I got to own a HotWheel! :)

Another milestone was Oliver's due date day--June 20. This was a hard day for us...I was suppose to be pregnant still, unless Junebug decided otherwise. It was going to be the day that we met our baby. And a couple days later, take him home. But, God had a different plan...as you all know. We kept ourselves busy and went to Cincinnati. We went to some outlet malls, Ikea, and ate at the resturant that we ate at almost 12 weeks ago for our final, last-chance-to-help-Junebug appointment. Overall, it turned out to be an okay day...and we felt Oliver with us--comforting Momma and Daddy on the difficult day. 

And then today is, of course, Oliver Day! :) Today, it's been 12 weeks since we said hello and see ya later to Oliver. 12 weeks?! Where has time gone? We miss our baby a lot still...and always will. We still have our good days and bad days...more good than bad lately. But there are definitely days that we just cry and cry...and relive the whole situation. We are healing...but it's a slow process. We will always have an Oliver-sized hole in our hearts that can never be filled. But on a happier note, it's Happy Oliver Day! :) Hope everyone has a great Ollie Day...you know he would want you to! He is smiling down on you and loving on you too! 

Daddy driving the Junebug

Letter to Oliver

Sweet Angel Baby Oliver,

It's been over 2 months since you went to Heaven...and Daddy and I miss you more than ever!! We miss your cute little face, your tiny nose, your itty bitty fingers and toes...we miss everything about you!

We drive by the parks and see lots of little boys playing on the swings and slides with their moms and dads...knowing we will not get to play with you. We see them running and playing tag...knowing we won't get to chase you around. We see families riding bicycles on the bike paths with children in tow (either on bikes or in trailers)...knowing we won't take you on a bike ride. We go shopping and see all of the cute, little outfits for boys...knowing we won't get to see you wear them. There are so many things (even little things) that we won't get to experience with you that people take for granted.

Ollie, we know that you are in Heaven...we know you are in the best place with the best babysitter, Jesus...and we know that you have lots of people to play with, like all of Momma's grandparents, Daddy's grandpas and grandma, along with other babies (Tressel, Aidan, Everett, Audrey, Colby, Emma, Elliana, Kendall, and many, many others). But that all of that still doesn't make it easy for us...just makes us breathe a little easier, cry a little less, and have comfort and peace knowing that we will see you again someday.

We designed and ordered your headstone. Now we just wait...until then, there is a temporary marker so we can find your grave easily. We put flowers on your grave for Memorial day...which happened to be your 2 month Heaven birthday. It may be weird, but I find comfort when we visit your grave. It's peaceful there.

On Thursday, we finally planted the Magnolia tree that our small group from church gave us in memory of you. Grandpa Sherman helped Daddy dig the hole and plant it properly. (I'm sure you know how Grandpa is about yard work/gardening...he loves it!)

Oh, our little Junebug...God is still using you. To change people's lives. To start relationships with people. To grow His kingdom. What you have done and are continuing to do is amazing!

We think about you constantly! We oogle at the pictures of you! We love you so much, baby!

Love,
Momma and Daddy

(I will blog later more details about the Magnolia tree...we took lots of pictures of the process!)

.:Perfection:.

We got Oliver's pictures today from Fingerprints of Grace. Perfection. They take us back to that special day...7 weeks ago. All of the sounds, smells, and feelings. Meeting our little Ollie for the first time. Holding him, kissing him, cuddling him. Seeing our families oogle at him. Loving him...so much! And praying to God that He would grant us much needed time with him. Ok...well, I know...you just wanna see our special little bug...

Oliver Matthew Junebug Foster

is loved

by so many.

He was talked to,

prayed for,

held, and

loved on.

We got to 

kiss and

snuggle

with our favorite

baby.

Our families

were excited

and anxious

to meet

our precious Junebug.

The pictures are perfect, aren't they? And priceless. Forever cherished. 

Thank you so much for praying for us...please continue! We need it still. The grieving process is long...and difficult. We appreciate your support. We keep reminding ourselves of this verse... 

This was Junebug's gift to the grandparents... :)

Mommy's Day

Today is a Mother’s Day, a special day to many, and a tough day for many as well. Mom’s who have children, have had children, mom’s who have lost children, and mom’s who haven’t been able to have children. Yes, even though some women haven’t been able to have children, I believe some are still moms because they have the heart of a mother. They have longed to be able to take care of a child and to be able to give a child love, even more so than some mom’s who actually do have kids.

Today is a tough day for Allyson and me, more so for Allyson because it is her first mother’s day and what mom wants to spend her first mother’s day without her baby. It has only been a little over 5 weeks since the birth and loss of our little Oliver Junebug, but it still feels like yesterday. Some days are tougher than others, and today is no exception.

I have been praying and really thinking hard about what Oliver would say to Allyson today if he could let her know how he feels. Below is a letter to Allyson from Oliver on what I think he would say to her on this special day.

“Dear Mommy,

Happy Mother’s Day to the greatest mommy in the world! I can’t tell you enough how much I miss you. How I miss feeling your warm touch and all the moments we shared. For 28 weeks you carried me and provided me with more than I needed. I miss you singing to me on the way to and home from work, the talks you had with me, and how much love you showed me, even when I was kicking you and pushing on your bladder :). Oh yeah, and mommy, the time we got to spend after I was born, when you got to hold me, kiss me, and see me for the first time, that was the most wonderful time, feeling your love and your arms wrapped around me, just holding me. I felt more love in those moments than some baby’s get in a lifetime. Also, I have to tell you that you are the most beautiful mommy a little boy could ever want and have, I brag about you all the time here in Heaven and Jesus just laughs at me and smiles.

Mommy, I love you so much and I know you love me, but don’t be sad today. Be happy because you gave me life and now I’m in Heaven and I can’t describe how awesome it is, I know you will love it! Jesus tells me how brave and strong you have been and how much you love and miss me, but that one day we are going to be together again, I can’t wait! He also said something about how you and I are part of some bigger plan for Him, and together we have been able to share His love with people all over the world. Wow mommy, I can’t tell you how proud of you and lucky I am to be your little boy! Please know we are all having a big party up here today for you and the other mommy’s who love and miss their children. All of the great grandma’s and great grandpa’s are helping us celebrate and telling us stories about our mommies. I can’t wait to hear more about you!

Mommy, know I am and will always be with you and we are going to be together again someday. I love you soooooo much mommy! We all are smiling down on you today and every day. Stay strong and keep showing the love of Jesus, because like He said, we are part of a bigger plan. Thank you for loving me and taking care of me mommy, I love you!

Your Little Baby Boy,
Oliver Matthew Junebug Foster (I love my name by the way!)”

God Bless all mother’s today and Happy Mother’s day to Ally’s mom Janet and my mom Kyna, I know they are missing their mom’s today too, just as Oliver misses Allyson.

Thanks for reading,
Rob

Really?

Has it been over 3 weeks since we said hello and good-bye to our sweet baby boy? Wow...how does time fly by and stand still all at the same time?! I feel like it was just yesterday morning that I was walking--(somewhat waddling)--into the hospital to meet our little Junebug, to find out if it was a he or she, and to be blessed by a wonderful God who gave us much needed time with this sweet miracle. How has it already been 3 weeks?

There are many days that people ask Rob and/or I how we are doing. And sometimes we struggle with what to say. Does that person REALLY care to know how we are doing...or are they asking because they don't know what else to say to us? Like, if I say that I'm doing terrible, are you going to walk away? Or are you going to listen to me? Comfort me? Most of the time, we are just in survival mode. We are okay...we will get through this. God is giving us the strength and comfort to continue on--minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. And to be honest, Wednesdays tend to be our roughest days--it's Ollie day! Those are the days that mark another week without our baby in our arms. We try to be as positive as possible on those days--but sometimes it's hard. And we need extra comfort, support, and prayer on those days.

Last night, we went to the pregnancy/infant loss support group at the hospital where we delivered Oliver. We didn't think we needed it going in, but afterwards we realized how much we did! And we enjoyed it! We made some new friends. We got to talk about Ollie, pass around my picture album, and get support and advice from moms and dads who have been where we are. I know that people who offer us advice and comfort mean well (and we appreciate it), but there is nothing like talking, listening, and crying with someone who (unfortunately) knows exactly what and how we are feeling. There were people there who lost their baby weeks, months, or years ago. It was nice to hear from the parents who are years out from the tragedy that there will be a day when we see the light at the end of the tunnel. That we will be able to truly enjoy life again. That there will be days that we don't cry. We also got confirmation that we aren't crazy for grieving still. We've had some people in our lives that have implied that we should "be over it" already. Or that I need anti-depressants because I am crying when I talk/think about Oliver. Those people don't understand that Oliver was a human, a baby...OUR BABY! He is our son! And we ARE allowed to grieve the loss of him...for how ever long it takes us!

At the support group, we were talking about the storms that wreaked havoc on Indiana this week. One couple shared that when the tornado sirens were blaring, the only things that they grabbed to take with them into their safe place were the momentos from the hospital (including the moldings of their daughter's hands and feet). I immediately chimed in and said "Me too! Me too!" :) Well, we planned ahead. Knowing that the storms were coming, Rob and I moved Oliver's memory box (full of his belongings) and the shadow box with his hand and foot moldings into the bathroom. So that when the tornado sirens sounded, we went into the bathroom and held onto Ollie's stuff. (And apparently, there were many other moms and dads that did the same thing!) We all cherish these treasures--they are irreplaceable. It's all we have left of our baby.

Enjoy Easter on Sunday. Remember--it's not about the bunny, colored eggs, and chocolate--it's about our Lord and Savior dying on the cross for our sins, raising from the dead, and ascending into Heaven. Because of this, we can have eternal life in Heaven if we believe in Him. I am so grateful for that! Not only will I get to live forever inside the pearly gates, but I will be able to see my little Junebug again (and meet all of his new friends) when it's my turn to get angel wings!

Update after a few days...

I'm sorry the updates haven't been as frequent as we would like, but it's been a rough few days as to be expected. We've been having a whirlwind of emotions, but thankful to God for everything. Oliver was an adorable little guy and will be in the hearts of many for a long time. The hospital we were at was more than awesome, they took care of our every need, and really cared about us and all we were going through. We really bonded with some our nurses who were taking care of us. Also, Carrie with Fingerprints of Grace took some amazing pictures for us which will be shown in later posts.

As I said above, it's been a tough few days. Physically and emotionally for Allyson, and then emotionally for myself and our families. We miss our little Oliver so much, he was a fighter and an inspiration to us all. I am so thankful that we got to hold him as much as we did. I was even able to give him his first little Hot Wheel, which was a Chevy Truck (pictures to come). Allyson is starting to sleep better, but it has been a struggle at times for us both. We still have a lot of things to get figured out, and have so many emotions. Sometimes something small will set us off, or sometimes it is reading the comments, cards, and other items of support. We appreciate them all and can't tell you enough how all the prayers and support has really helped us. We have so many people to thank, I'm not even going to start thanking them on here, because I know I'll miss someone, but know you all are appreciated. 

Anyway, sorry for the scattered brain post, but that's about how I am thinking right now. Did I mention how adorable our son Oliver was? Well, just in case you don't believe me, I have posted a couple pictures below. We will post again soon, but in the mean time, please continue to pray for Allyson's health, recovery, and strength. Also pray for our families as they are having difficult times as well.

Mommy and Oliver

Mommy, Daddy, and Oliver

Oliver Matthew Junebug Foster

 

Thanks and God Bless,

Oliver's Mommy and Daddy