Hope

Hope--the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn our for the best. (definition from dictionary.com)





Rob's aunt Karla got us this Willow Tree figurine...which we love. The other day, while I was cleaning, I got a little crazy with my Sw*ffer duster and knocked him off of the mantel. He landed on the tile below and his little outstretched hand broke off. I was crushed...but managed to keep composure. I was on the verge of tears, but knew I needed to fix him. I tried using wood glue--because I knew exactly where I could find it--to no avail. (Apparently they aren't wooden...) So I got the super glue out of Rob's Geocaching kit from Tony and Rett and it worked perfect. Our little Willow Tree boy now has his hand back with just a tiny scar.

When I was telling my SIL Rett about this mishap, she--in her wise and wit--explained to me how this could be seen as symbolism. Some people may lose hope when they are knocked down and broken, but we can be put back together with a little TLC. We will never be the same and always have a scar (visible or not), but we shouldn't give up hope. We can continue on with life and everything will turn out for the best.
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On a side note, how has it already been 16 weeks since our angel came to visit?! Time is going so fast! We are continuing to make progress in our healing. We have realized that God never intended for our son to be a take-home baby...he was meant to be an angel. God made his body so that it was obvious to us that he was suppose to visit us for a short time and then go home to Heaven.

We still don't have the full report yet from KateCares, but should within the next month. It takes a long time because they are so thorough, which will be good for us in the long run. We did get the preliminary autopsy results, which stated that his chromosomes were normal (so no down syndrome, trisomy's, or other chromosomal abnormalities). :) He did have a multicystic kidney, which was anticipated from the MRI findings. (If we get pregnant again, the doctors will monitor me and the baby closely--as if they wouldn't already--, but nothing to be worried about.) ...Also, they tested the placenta and umbilical cord to see if there were problems there that could have caused any of Oliver's defects...and everything was normal. :) So now we just wait to hear from the KateCares committee to see what else they have to say.

Please continue to pray for us and our families as we are continuing to grieve. We are starting to really get back to real life routines...I go back to school in a couple of weeks and will be teaching kindergarten this year. I will definitely need those prayers then. ;)

.: Reflection :.

So today is Oliver's 3 month Heavenly birthday. Yesterday, I was reflecting on how things have changed over the last three months. Sit back, relax (with a box of tissues)...this is gonna be a long one.

On March 29, I was feeling Junebug move and hiccup inside my belly, talking to Junebug, praying for God to grant us a miracle, and preparing to meet our Junebug. But nothing could prepare us for what we were about to experience. The morning of March 30th was the most bittersweet day for us (and our family and friends). Rob and I went into the hospital at 5:45 a.m. and I checked in at 6 a.m. The nurses prepped me for surgery. Starting IV's. Taking medical history. Listening to Junebug's heartbeat. My parents and Rob's parents arrived at the hospital around 7 and came back to triage to see me. Joni, the bereavement nurse, came in to check on me. Around 7:30, my OB (Dr. L) came back to see me. She came in, sat down on my bed, and gave me a huge hug! She was choking back tears while trying to keep me calm. This was going to be as difficult for her as it was for us. While she went to change into her scrubs, the anesthesiologist (Julie) explained to me what was going to happen when she gave me the spinal block. By 7:45, I had given Rob the last hug and kiss before surgery. I was now being escorted to the OR by Dr. L, Joni, Julie, and the triage nurse.

When I walked in the OR, it was the scariest thing I have ever seen. There were bright lights, loud noises, people walking around covered head to toe in blue cloth...it was so strange. I was terrified! And my rock, my husband, was not allowed in there yet. (I have never had surgery before, so this was not a great time to see the OR for the first time.) I was a mess. Just melting. Right there in the OR. A hysterical sobbing pregnant woman. I had to sit on the edge of the table while Julie placed the spinal block. Dr. L hugged me. Held me. Rubbed my upper back. Calming me. Whispered encouragements. To be honest, since I couldn't have Rob (or my mom and dad), then Dr. L was the next best thing. After Julie was finished with her job, the nurses finished prepping me for surgery and Rob was allowed to come in. Dr. L made sure that the sheet was low enough that I would be able to see Junebug when she took him out. (We were told that it was noted from the MRIs that he had a short umbilical cord.) Rob sat by my head, holding my hand and stroking my hair. Around 8:00, Greg (our good friend and a pastor) came in the OR. At 8:03, Dr. L started the c-section. We were going to meet our little baby. We were excited, yet nervous. Happy, yet sad. Hopeful, yet realistic. At 8:10, Dr. L held up our baby. Rob got to call out the gender--"It's a...BOY? It's a BOY!" I just cried at the sight of him. I made sure to say "Momma was right! Momma was right! I knew it was boy!" Then we had to decide a name while the nurses were cleaning him up. "Rhys Matthew?" Rob asked. In a whiny-kinda way, I replied "No...his name is Oliver!" By 8:11, I was holding my son! :) It was the best feeling in the world. He is precious! He is perfect! We did give him oxygen via a bypass tube...but we chose not to do anything heroic. We allowed God to move in the way He had planned. Greg baptized Oliver with Holy water in a sea shell. This was very important for Rob and I.

At 8:45, we were in my room. And as far as details in there...you are going to have to wait. The story will be continued later.

Well, this isn't exactly how I planned for this post to go. I was just going to talk about how our lives have  changed since March 30. What progress we have made. What struggles we still have. But I guess God or Ollie wanted Momma to tell the details of that day. :)

As I was reflecting today, I read the green journal for Oliver Junebug that people have written in. Telling him how God has used him to change their life. Or for people to tell us how God used us to help them.  Encourage them. Change them. Today, when I was feeling sad, it helped to know that God has used (and continues to use) our sweet little miracle baby to touch and change people. I'm not going to say that it makes it okay to be on this Earth without our baby, but knowing the impact of God's will for our little guy has helped us on the toughest of days. If you didn't get a chance to write a note to Oliver or us and want to, just add a comment to this post. I plan on printing them out and pasting them in the green journal. (Or if you want to write another for those of you who already have... that's fine too!)

We appreciate everyone's continued thoughts, prayers, calls, texts, FB messages, and emails. The "fog" is starting to lift...and we are starting to really function. We are still going to need your prayers and support in coming months and years. But it will get easier... but never easy.

Happy Heavenly birthday, baby! We love you so much!!

We took this picture in Myrtle Beach this past weekend.

Letter to Daddy

I have been thinking about Oliver a lot (as you would expect)...but we have had some milestones in the past week that made us think and talk to him even more than we do on a daily basis. 


The first milestone was Daddy's Day--Rob's first Father's day and he can't hold his baby boy. We anticipated it to be a very sad day...but it was pretty good. :) We slept in, went to my parent's for lunch and to hang out, and went on a bike ride with my dad (which was pretty fun and funny). Throughout the day and weekend, I asked Oliver (in my head) what he wants to say to his daddy...and this is what he said:

Dear Daddy,

Happy Daddy's Day to the bestest daddy in the whole wide world!! I can't tell you how much I wish I could physically be with you on Earth, but I am with you always. I watch you and listen to you. I hug you and kiss you--like you kissed and hugged me on the day I was born. I loved that...just as much as you did! I love that you were confused when you saw I was a boy--Momma kept trying to tell you that she was right. I love that you wanted to show me outside and what cars look like, so you took me to the window. Even though I didn't have my eyes open and didn't see then, I see it now. There are some pretty cool cars on Earth, huh?! I especially love that green VW Beetle you and Momma got and named after me--Junebug. That's one cool car, Daddy! And I love that Papaw, Mimi, Uncle Tony, Aunt Rett, and Abby, Laney and Hayleigh want to play with it and fix it up too! I am with you then too! 

Daddy, you are an amazing man! You are so faithful, strong, loving, smart, handsome, funny, and Godly.  Thanks for being so strong for me and helping Momma fight for me! You never gave up on me or God's plan. (And trust me, He knows what He's doing...) Thanks for being so loving to me and Momma...taking care of  all our needs and wants. You are super smart. You know how to do computer stuff and lots of car stuff. You are one handsome daddy...I brag about you here in Heaven, just like I do about Momma too. Jesus just laughs and rolls his eyes...he thinks I'm silly! And Daddy, you are such a Godly man. I love that you aren't afraid to tell people about what God is doing in your life. I will see you again someday (God won't tell me when though...). 

Stay strong, Daddy! Remember, God has a big plan...and you and Momma are part of it! I miss you and love you a lot, Daddy! 

Your Precious Baby, 

Oliver Matthew Junebug

P.S. I love that awesome HotWheel truck you gave me! That was very special and I'm glad I got to own a HotWheel! :)

Another milestone was Oliver's due date day--June 20. This was a hard day for us...I was suppose to be pregnant still, unless Junebug decided otherwise. It was going to be the day that we met our baby. And a couple days later, take him home. But, God had a different plan...as you all know. We kept ourselves busy and went to Cincinnati. We went to some outlet malls, Ikea, and ate at the resturant that we ate at almost 12 weeks ago for our final, last-chance-to-help-Junebug appointment. Overall, it turned out to be an okay day...and we felt Oliver with us--comforting Momma and Daddy on the difficult day. 

And then today is, of course, Oliver Day! :) Today, it's been 12 weeks since we said hello and see ya later to Oliver. 12 weeks?! Where has time gone? We miss our baby a lot still...and always will. We still have our good days and bad days...more good than bad lately. But there are definitely days that we just cry and cry...and relive the whole situation. We are healing...but it's a slow process. We will always have an Oliver-sized hole in our hearts that can never be filled. But on a happier note, it's Happy Oliver Day! :) Hope everyone has a great Ollie Day...you know he would want you to! He is smiling down on you and loving on you too! 

Daddy driving the Junebug

Letter to Oliver

Sweet Angel Baby Oliver,

It's been over 2 months since you went to Heaven...and Daddy and I miss you more than ever!! We miss your cute little face, your tiny nose, your itty bitty fingers and toes...we miss everything about you!

We drive by the parks and see lots of little boys playing on the swings and slides with their moms and dads...knowing we will not get to play with you. We see them running and playing tag...knowing we won't get to chase you around. We see families riding bicycles on the bike paths with children in tow (either on bikes or in trailers)...knowing we won't take you on a bike ride. We go shopping and see all of the cute, little outfits for boys...knowing we won't get to see you wear them. There are so many things (even little things) that we won't get to experience with you that people take for granted.

Ollie, we know that you are in Heaven...we know you are in the best place with the best babysitter, Jesus...and we know that you have lots of people to play with, like all of Momma's grandparents, Daddy's grandpas and grandma, along with other babies (Tressel, Aidan, Everett, Audrey, Colby, Emma, Elliana, Kendall, and many, many others). But that all of that still doesn't make it easy for us...just makes us breathe a little easier, cry a little less, and have comfort and peace knowing that we will see you again someday.

We designed and ordered your headstone. Now we just wait...until then, there is a temporary marker so we can find your grave easily. We put flowers on your grave for Memorial day...which happened to be your 2 month Heaven birthday. It may be weird, but I find comfort when we visit your grave. It's peaceful there.

On Thursday, we finally planted the Magnolia tree that our small group from church gave us in memory of you. Grandpa Sherman helped Daddy dig the hole and plant it properly. (I'm sure you know how Grandpa is about yard work/gardening...he loves it!)

Oh, our little Junebug...God is still using you. To change people's lives. To start relationships with people. To grow His kingdom. What you have done and are continuing to do is amazing!

We think about you constantly! We oogle at the pictures of you! We love you so much, baby!

Love,
Momma and Daddy

(I will blog later more details about the Magnolia tree...we took lots of pictures of the process!)

.:Perfection:.

We got Oliver's pictures today from Fingerprints of Grace. Perfection. They take us back to that special day...7 weeks ago. All of the sounds, smells, and feelings. Meeting our little Ollie for the first time. Holding him, kissing him, cuddling him. Seeing our families oogle at him. Loving him...so much! And praying to God that He would grant us much needed time with him. Ok...well, I know...you just wanna see our special little bug...

Oliver Matthew Junebug Foster

is loved

by so many.

He was talked to,

prayed for,

held, and

loved on.

We got to 

kiss and

snuggle

with our favorite

baby.

Our families

were excited

and anxious

to meet

our precious Junebug.

The pictures are perfect, aren't they? And priceless. Forever cherished. 

Thank you so much for praying for us...please continue! We need it still. The grieving process is long...and difficult. We appreciate your support. We keep reminding ourselves of this verse... 

This was Junebug's gift to the grandparents... :)

Mommy's Day

Today is a Mother’s Day, a special day to many, and a tough day for many as well. Mom’s who have children, have had children, mom’s who have lost children, and mom’s who haven’t been able to have children. Yes, even though some women haven’t been able to have children, I believe some are still moms because they have the heart of a mother. They have longed to be able to take care of a child and to be able to give a child love, even more so than some mom’s who actually do have kids.

Today is a tough day for Allyson and me, more so for Allyson because it is her first mother’s day and what mom wants to spend her first mother’s day without her baby. It has only been a little over 5 weeks since the birth and loss of our little Oliver Junebug, but it still feels like yesterday. Some days are tougher than others, and today is no exception.

I have been praying and really thinking hard about what Oliver would say to Allyson today if he could let her know how he feels. Below is a letter to Allyson from Oliver on what I think he would say to her on this special day.

“Dear Mommy,

Happy Mother’s Day to the greatest mommy in the world! I can’t tell you enough how much I miss you. How I miss feeling your warm touch and all the moments we shared. For 28 weeks you carried me and provided me with more than I needed. I miss you singing to me on the way to and home from work, the talks you had with me, and how much love you showed me, even when I was kicking you and pushing on your bladder :). Oh yeah, and mommy, the time we got to spend after I was born, when you got to hold me, kiss me, and see me for the first time, that was the most wonderful time, feeling your love and your arms wrapped around me, just holding me. I felt more love in those moments than some baby’s get in a lifetime. Also, I have to tell you that you are the most beautiful mommy a little boy could ever want and have, I brag about you all the time here in Heaven and Jesus just laughs at me and smiles.

Mommy, I love you so much and I know you love me, but don’t be sad today. Be happy because you gave me life and now I’m in Heaven and I can’t describe how awesome it is, I know you will love it! Jesus tells me how brave and strong you have been and how much you love and miss me, but that one day we are going to be together again, I can’t wait! He also said something about how you and I are part of some bigger plan for Him, and together we have been able to share His love with people all over the world. Wow mommy, I can’t tell you how proud of you and lucky I am to be your little boy! Please know we are all having a big party up here today for you and the other mommy’s who love and miss their children. All of the great grandma’s and great grandpa’s are helping us celebrate and telling us stories about our mommies. I can’t wait to hear more about you!

Mommy, know I am and will always be with you and we are going to be together again someday. I love you soooooo much mommy! We all are smiling down on you today and every day. Stay strong and keep showing the love of Jesus, because like He said, we are part of a bigger plan. Thank you for loving me and taking care of me mommy, I love you!

Your Little Baby Boy,
Oliver Matthew Junebug Foster (I love my name by the way!)”

God Bless all mother’s today and Happy Mother’s day to Ally’s mom Janet and my mom Kyna, I know they are missing their mom’s today too, just as Oliver misses Allyson.

Thanks for reading,
Rob

Good is not gone...

We have learned a lot about ourselves and people in the last few weeks and months during Junebug’s Journey. I’ve heard in the past how some people think that the good in the world is gone, but I can tell you from personal experience it isn’t. Want proof? We have had many people go out of their way to help us in many different ways. People have brought us meals, sent us cards, sent messages, sent flowers, and so much more.

Now you might be thinking, the people doing these good things are probably from their church. Here’s a newsflash for you, some of the people doing these things, aren’t from our church. In fact, they aren't from any church that we know of anyway. Yes, there is and always will be bad in the world too, but what stops us all from showing God's love in everything we do? Not just the moments during a tragedy in someone's life. I can tell you that the little things which have done for us have meant the world. Oliver has changed Allyson and I in many ways, but one big way is not taking for granted the little things in life. The meals, the prayers, and the notes from people we don't know have been some of the things we may have taken for granted in the past, but not any longer.

Today was a big day for Oliver, Allyson, and I. It was the 30th, exactly one month since the birth and loss of our little guy. I don't know how people with healthy babies celebrate one month of life with their little ones, but I do know you shouldn't take it for granted. Don't take any time you have with your kids or loved ones for granted because you never know when things could change in an instant.

One thing I have been thinking about a lot today is the little movements I saw Oliver make in the short time we had together. I could not anticipate how much they would mean to me now. I wish I could see his little face, fingers, legs, and feet move again, but all I can do is replay our short moments in my mind over and over. Parents reading this, please enjoy each moment and movement your kids make, even when they may not be ones you like at the time. We were blessed to have that hour and 41 minutes with Oliver and we thank God for that time. I know I keep saying this over and over, but enjoy the time you have. Spread God's love, and let us all fill the world with more good than bad. Then hopefully we can say one day, the negativity and bad in the world is gone...

Thanks and God bless,

Rob and Allyson